I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it