Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

fired

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.