I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.