I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
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[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.