I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.