Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

I could NOT have put it better myself.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

He took my last fry, your honor

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot