I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
The most accurate map ever devised.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house