Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Mhm.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Think I pulled my liver

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people