I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
You Might Also Like
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
