I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.


My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.


The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.


No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.


I see dead people.

Well actually they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes


[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace