@portmanteauface

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

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@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@klainey01

My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.

@lovemyboots111

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

@AnOrangeSNES

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

@Ah_kee_oh

No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

@Malocallidus

I see dead people.

Well actually they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes

@awkwardphilippe

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace