I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.