I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police