I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
