i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
what the hell girl, sure
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
who wore it better?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…