i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti