I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
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Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
At least my masseuse has my back.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.