Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.