Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

Mad Max: Furry Road

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away