I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”