I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.