Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Basically, any European coat of arms:

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

There’s never enough good news