I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
(by @ZachWeiner )
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”