Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Come back with a warrant

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.