Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.