Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The prophecy is fulfilled

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?