Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

accurate

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general