Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Canadian owl: Eh?

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

this year felt like being awake during surgery