Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Thaw me like one of your french fries

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick