I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.