Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert