I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.