i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
