i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there