I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
pls suprot
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*