I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.