I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀