I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My what?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.