Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

How it started How it’s going

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.