I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
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*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
When your parents check you’re ok.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I would move hell over six inches for you
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
la cocaina
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“what that mouth do?” complain
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao