Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.