I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
You Might Also Like
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
When they try to steal your moment.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe