Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Meanwhile in Portland…

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks