I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
The best shot in the history of golf