I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.