I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.