I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.