Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

craving $300 all of a sudden

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

Hmm, not sure about this change

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale