I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My life is fraught with reality
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner