I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
You Might Also Like
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I needed a laugh this morning.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I bet
Tough love is true love
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.