Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

A couple who are silly together stay together.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?