i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
You Might Also Like
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!