I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
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Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”