Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box