I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Raisins are grape jerky.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.