Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Jupiter –

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle