I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Just read an article that said, “As the 2030s loom nearer,” and it was so rude.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*