Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.