I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas