Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?