I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
What my back needs
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…