I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Found the job I’m suited for
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I saw this ending much differently.