*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
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“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.