@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

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@TechnicallyRon

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

@eminmien

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

@KristinHalbrook

Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.

@JD_KC

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

@Izianikapani

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

@daemonic3

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

@gentilecoont

Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

@TheCatWhisprer

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

@Darlainky

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.