I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

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Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?


bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart


-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.


“You’re an alcoholic.”

I prefer the term ‘bar-barian’


What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”


When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?


I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.


Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes


Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.


I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.