@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

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@Iwriteforcats

Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?

@haleysfalling

patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart

@pauleggleston

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

@Ryncasaurus

“You’re an alcoholic.”

I prefer the term ‘bar-barian’

@Darlainky

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

@Tylerosis

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

@LaniBeno

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

@ArfMeasures

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

@polksalad

Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.

@KattsDogma

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.