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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
wow he looks just like him
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.