I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
