I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.