Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Hitlers gonna hitl

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

eggs benadryl

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Britain be like

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

love it when they get my name right

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”