I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[montage of me giving-up]
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.