I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
The cycle continues
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same