I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it