Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.