I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Saturday
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
🤣🤣🤣
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift