Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mechanics be like

Geez man, take it easy.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink