I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
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“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse