Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

mentally somewhere in italy

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat