I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”