Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Cats are still liquid.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

turning my gender off to conserve energy

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.