I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Happy Caturday!
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I cannot call her anything else now
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington