I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated